“My Parents are approaching their seventies for gods sake” I was told just after meeting them.
“No way, your Dad is a machine – he just doesn’t stop” I replied – I’ve never known a man in his 70s who is as active, strong and optimistic as this chap.
He literally just finished putting up a Summerhouse and Train Sleepers border in the garden when I came into his life. This guy is just something else.
This was news to me – my Parents were both born in 1966, and are now in their 50s.
Knowing I am marrying someone who’s Parents are about a decade their senior was quite odd, to me at least. Everyone has Children for different reasons, at whatever age, but this is a first.
Their differences in worldview, morals, how they raised their Daughter and the wisdom they imparted on me have all been factors in this post. My Parents have their own points which are perfectly valid, but for the longest time, I sort of grew up in a bubble of “grandparents from the 1940s, parents from the 60s, children from the 90s” and rarely ventured out of those brackets unless it was that just-old-person grey hair Grandparent territory. Just reading about the huge, seismic shift between the 1950s and 1960s in Britain is enough to show there will be differences. I was pleasantly surprised.
Looking on the face of it, my Partners Father has always been a busy chap, and growing up in a rural setting has left a hugely positive mark on him.
A work ethic of steel (literally, the guy was a Toolmaker and Engineer) and an optimistic “let’s get it done then” outlook is something that really shines in him. As a child he also rescued a fox and had pets, growing up in country lanes, picking fruit from trees and running a literal cross country marathon each day to and from school that, when compared to my Parents childhood, almost look like something from another era.
I mean, let’s compare myself and him with the wheelbarrow for a second…yep.
That’s me and my Grandad. In Southall. And no, that’s far from a rural area!
So similarities will always be there, visually at least, but the mindset is what’s different, and that’s where the inspiration for this post came from.
For my Parents, my Dad grew up in a totally deaf household in West London. He was their full-time child carer and translator for the hearing world and it’s left him…somewhat angry and a bit bitter for the deaf community of that generation which I’ve covered elsewhere. He paid his own way in life with the boys toys, fashioned his own clothing or fishing gear and it continues through me.
As he grew, the almost childlike wonder continued and he lived vicariously through me, be it with sports, airsoft, parties or “boys toys”. I can’t say any of them were negative (well, maybe the sports as even as a child I pretended to fall over a bench to get out of playing football), but I really enjoyed archery and airsoft.
His mindset was one of working multiple jobs, always appearing busy to make up for a difficult home life, at one point, being in competitive, cocaine-addled-management-staff world of IT sales and when not there, a taxi driver and handyman, but constant demands on him translating for his Dad or helping out with mine or my Sisters’ Crohn’s issues meant he kept taking too much time off. He always provided, but I rarely discussed the positives with him. Car rides or me just being at home were therapy sessions, and I, the 5, 10, 15 or 20 year old plus therapist. He meant well, but that stuff adds up.
My Mum was born in Dudley, near Birmingham in the heart of the Black Country (no that’s not a race thing, think Ozzy Osborne or Noddy Holder accent, it’s to do with coal) to her London Mum (my much beloved Nan) and a Birmingham chap who disappeared from the picture and it’s all..very complicated.
Yeah, I could have sounded like this
After some time and difficult decision-making my Nan saved up enough to return back to her family in London. A young mother who then raised my Mum while working in the legal sector. As a result, my Mum had a very privileged, privately educated upbringing in comparison from what I’ve heard, and her views of the 70s, as someone under the age of 10 for most of it, are so different to those of my Partner’s Mum (who was in her 20s at the time) who talked of the infamous strikes, blackouts and general dismal nature of that decade…though the music was good.
In my Mums words, in contrast to my IVF-born partner, my Mum thought she “smoked a weird joint” when the morning sickness came on with me when they were in their early 20s in 1989.
This is where the penny dropped – people tend to parent based on the experiences of their youth.
I think that’s the big difference between my Parents and those of my other half. Both of us are products of our parents lives in their 20s.
My partner loves 70s music, fashion and manly-man body hair – which reflect her parents views of the world, role models and morals in their Rural 20s. Most of the parental similarities are there, except her Mother’s militant Atheism and inability to socialise.
Me? My parents were in their 20s in the late 80s/early 90s in London, so for me it’s R&B, 80s fashion, multiculturalism, New-Labour, Politics (at the time) and flat tops (yes, a spirit level Comb was used on my Dad’s hair)…or Punks at Camden’s Electric Ballroom and other London things that were very different to the future in-laws
The same for the evolution of communication in those decades.
With mine, a lot is said, but not much is always done. Talk became cheap in the electronic age of the 80s and 90s. They’ve changed a lot in the last year or so, maturing after a few years of family difficulties, but watching the difference between how my Parents and the future in-laws interact with technology is like watching a slow motion train crash.
Hers? Very much the more serious, accurate, laser-focus, saying just enough for the situation without much sense for my fluency in waffling, sarcasm or dry humour. Mine? A lot of words, a smart-home system and the attitude being one as though the heady 80s mobile phone hot-button words never left.
I suppose what I’m trying to say, is that there’s a huge difference in how the world is perceived and how you educate your children in just a decade – where your parent’s younger years come out.
For me, I was never really money-savvy. I always paid my way without issue as I had a series of jobs that Dad helped me get, but things like Mortgage Overpayments? Interest changes of <1%? Actually having a budget book? I was never taught that. I only heard of mortgages being talked of in those car rides and that we can’t afford to pay it, or how much it cost because my Sister left a switch on, or even how much Mum spent on food. No positive things, just negativity.
For me, I just looked at the number and saved up for things, never loaning or borrowing money.
Number go up? Good. Number go down? Bad.
My partner, on the other hand, knows how to be frugal, play banks and bonds before the years of banking globalisation that came from a childhood her Parents lived. Very much trusting local brands and rural knowledge from the Locals over big faceless Corporations, and taught me how to pretty much kill my mortgage off early – and that yes, an interest rate raise of say, 0.8% on a few tens of thousands can add up!
Compare that to me where my Dad worked for Compaq, HP and other big corporations and when it came to money, it was never a good thing – unless it was really good. Don’t get me wrong though, seeing him dressed up as a king after work due to the sky-high commission he earned was a high point.
I had no clue.
One thing my parents do shine in though, is affection. I’ve got a post drafted about my Nan and Grandad raising me, but one thing my Partner always said is about the lack of understanding or empathy from her parents – and that being most likely their generation.
“Dad actually gave me a hug today! Oh my god! A DAD HUG”
That made her week…but I had to prompt him. I was told “urgh she’s turned soft living with you” but I was right, and she said it was needed before they came over.
We’ve had a rough time lately with Wedding planning and hospital stays or procedures in July, followed by a wedding of a friend. We fell off the fitness wagon and some days it boiled down to snapping at one another and she was saying that her parents don’t get why she’s stressed. I don’t either, truly, as I’m not her brain…but I know what helps (it seems my Nan is a source of sanity on the phone for her too). I’m always reminded of the lack of feeling from her Parents, but mine seemed to have it right. Even by my Partner’s standards (although it took her time to come round to it).
We are quite…huggy or at least warmer.
Again, something generational there. With my Dad it’s hug it out and sort of talk in the car or garden. No eye contact but speaking to the sky, my Mum the exact same – very 90s Parenting skills. Not perfect, but preferable.
With the future Father-in-law, whatever the issue – it’s “go for a walk outside, maybe we’ll talk” and very 50s…but I’ve noticed a shift since I’ve been in the picture. We went on a walk together very early in during the Covid years and I got to see a softer side to him I thought wouldn’t be there. Turns out it is, or maybe I just got lucky.
From what I gather he’s used to dealing with people much worse than I given my Partners’ dating history and it’s slowly changing.
There’s a lot of years of hurt or things she can’t discuss with them, or if she’s tried it’s stony silence. I’d know – I’ve seen it.
Culturally there’s a huge difference, too. If I could sum this part up it’s Johnny Bravo versus Clint Eastwood. My Dad being Johnny Bravo, future Father-in-Law is Clint Eastwood.
On the one hand you have that Ladies-Man-wannabe, the tight t-shirts and hair, new gadgets and a possibility of him learning from his mistakes and being open to new things with the odd insightful quote
With the future Father-in-Law it’s Clint Eastwood – rugged, motorbikes, speak only when it’s useful, and in his quoting, semi-serious words – “a man’s gotta know his limitations“
It’s funny to see how something so obscure as somebody’s experiences in their 20s, which were only a decade apart can have such a big difference on how their Children are raised.
Sure, the City/Countryside part of our youth plays a role – I’m nowhere near as bushcraft-savvy as my Partner, and she hates the idea of going around London, but we make a good team who help one another up – which I hope will extend to our Parents, as, despite their flaws, they work well together when it’s going well.
I just hope it stays going well with everything coming up and their complete worlds-apart view.
For context my Mum is wearing a Sari to my wedding, my Dad probably something from Moby’s wardrobe and my partner’s parents? Suit. Always formal.
Watch this space to see just how weirdly I can mess up a child if I exposed them to what I was like in my 20s along with the cultural context and other bits playing a role.
I wonder what your approach would be?
Jay's Sandbox 